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Three Beliefs That Will Sink Your Ship

January 21, 2013

If you want your workplace culture to deteriorate in a hurry, make sure that your colleagues hold the following three beliefs near and dear to their hearts:

1.  “We’re Like a Family Here”: This is the sentence I hear most often when I facilitate training or consult to organizations that suffer widespread incivility or even harassment. At the heart of this belief lies the notion that the closeness and caring that characterize family life allow members of the ‘workplace family’ to cross colleagues’ personal boundaries without being hurtful or inappropriate.

Well, here’s a thought: Families are deeply flawed entities. They are not idyllic structures imbued with nothing but love and support. In real life, families often cause their members intense pain. And in those work environments that are fraught with incivility (or worse), people use the family analogy as window dressing that permits them to treat each other in destructive ways. The ‘family’ notion stops accountability at the door.

My recommendation: in the workplace, let’s keep the worthy parts of ‘family’ (connection, support, informality) and decisively weed out the counterproductive parts.

2. “I Know Which Lines I Shouldn’t Cross Because I Know My Colleagues’ Sensitivities”. This belief allows people to say and do things that qualify as incivility or even harassment (surprise! those jokes about Polish people might not be acceptable under your harassment policy).

Thinking that you know your colleagues’ sensitivities is an Illusion. At best, you know very little about your fellow coworkers – even those that you’ve worked with for many years.

3. “We Have the Right to Vent”: people use this belief to justify uncensored badmouthing of colleagues and managers behind their unsuspecting backs. Many folks (managers too!) tell me that venting is a legitimate way for them to ‘release steam’.

Here’s my response: we are human beings and not machines that require the release of steam in order to operate properly. In the workplace, if you experience frustration and stress related to a colleague’s behaviour, as an adult and as a professional it is incumbent upon you to find solutions to your problem that do not involve spreading incivility and hurtful gossip. Need to vent? Do so at home with your husband, dog or friend. Or call your company EAP for constructive help.

Sometimes damaging beliefs creep up on us without us noticing.  The good news is that we humans have the unique capacity to examine these beliefs and replace them with more helpful ones. (And if you need help with debunking these beliefs or creating a more respectful workplace, we’re always one click away).

 

And speaking of families: with all their quirkiness and dysfunctions, families can be an absolutely wonderful thing…. Here’s my 93-year-old aunt Beccy, a magnificent trailblazer in her time, and me, sharing a moment in Tel Aviv, January 2013.

 

 

 

 

New Year’s Wishes – Embrace Your Fears!

December 18, 2012

As we enter 2013, I wish you a year of embracing your fears. Specifically, befriending the five key fears that may be running your life without you even knowing it.

As you look at the list below, I invite you to consider where have these sneaky culprits kept you awake at night, or stopped you from going where you wanted (or needed) to go, or prevented you from celebrating the fullness of your being. I certainly can personally attest to having been under the influence of each and every one of these fears!

Ready? Here they are:

  1. Fear of losing control (yes, all those times when you unnecessarily held onto ideas, things and tasks)
  2. Fear of failure (you played it safe, you wanted to save face, you remained frozen)
  3. Fear of the unknown (all the ways in which you dwarfed your self and your life, crushing the Explorer within)
  4. Fear of the truth (when you buried your head in the sand, not wanting to learn about reality – and about  your true self)
  5. Fear of success (remember when you absolutely had what it took, but were too afraid to go for it?)

As I was writing this blog, I was propelled to scan my own writing over the years, using the ‘fear’ lens to see where it appeared in the topics that I was addressing. Well (surprise!), it was pretty much everywhere…

And so, as a New Year’s gift of sorts, please find below a few pieces that I thought would be of particular interest to you, examining fear (and practical ways to move beyond it) from various angles.

My wonderful readers, until we meet again in the year 2013, my heartfelt wish for each and every one of you is that you create a year (and a life) free from the oppression of fear, a year/life where you use angst as a springboard to grow and discover, regain your life balance, be humble and courageous, loving and empathetic.

Happy Holidays and a wonderful New Year!

 

Need help with challenges in your organization? Don’t hesitate to contact us. 

 

 

Fifty Shades of (Yes) Grey

December 4, 2012

This version will (unfortunately) not include the sex part, only the ‘grey’ part (so sorry to disappoint). It may not be quite as exciting as the book, but there’s a good chance that it will prove to be more valuable to you in the long run.

You may have noticed that most respect-related situations in the workplace are not clear-cut, black-and-white scenarios. In fact, most often they are somewhere in that ‘grey’ zone – hard to diagnose, and difficult to address constructively without hitting the wrong note.

So, if you’re going to respond to something that someone did or said that you found offensive, it will be prudent to adopt Stephen Covey’s advice: “Begin with the end in mind”.  Responding to an off-colour remark or to uncivil behaviour will be much easier and effective – and require less courage – if you have clear objectives before you set out to speak with the person.

Here are the three objectives that should guide absolutely any intervention you initiate:

  1. Stop the behaviour. Whatever you do, it has to convey the message that the behaviour has got to stop. Be direct and specific in describing the problem conduct, and very clear about your request for it to stop. Beware of using humour – it detracts from the clarity of the message.
  2. Maintain everyone’s dignity. It’s very easy to intervene in a harsh way that ends up being hurtful or degrading to the other person, adding injury to insult. So make sure to use language and a tone that conveys respect and collegiality. Maintaining the dignity of the other person (or persons) is especially important if you are responding in public to a problem behaviour.
  3. Preserve the relationship. Workplace relationships can easily go sour. A wrong word or gesture can be the trigger for long-lasting conflict. So whatever you do when you approach that person, remember that your objective is to preserve (and possibly even strengthen) the relationship, not ruin it. An awareness to this objective will help you maintain the right tone and approach.

  P.S. to boost capacity in handling all ‘shades of grey’, you’re always welcome to check out our training-related services.

 

We’re here to help, anytime.

In Praise of Teflon

November 21, 2012

What’s better, Teflon or Velcro?

In a recent blog entry, I suggested that we all could benefit from becoming a little more Teflon-like: let things go, don’t take every little conflict to heart, move on. Quite a few of you wrote to me in response, so I figured it might be worth looking at a few solid strategies for becoming more teflon-ish:

 

Strategy Number 1: “Is it True?”
When you’re feeling slighted or wrong-done-by and are filled with negative and judgemental thoughts about someone, pinpoint the most troubling thought (“they should have given me that promotion”) and ask yourself: ‘is it true? can I absolutely know that it’s true?’. Get silent and go deep within yourself, pondering that question without being velcroed to your oh-so-compelling story about that person or situation. In most cases, you will find that you cannot be absolutely sure that your thought is true. Once you realize that, the thought might just slip away, as if it were sliding of a teflon pan. (This wonderful question is adapted from the ground-breaking work of Byron Katy).

 

Strategy Number 2: Call Your 80-Year-Old to the Rescue
When you’re in the grip of those negative thoughts, when they cling to you like permanent glue, imagine a much older and wiser you providing you with sage advice for finding peace right now. Chances are that the ‘80 year-old you’ will offer insights that will enable you to shed off some of the Velcro and free you to express your Teflon self.

 

Strategy Number 3: Take a Mini-Vacation
A mini-vacation is doing something – anything! – that will remove you mentally or physically from the challenging situation or from your negative thoughts, thereby providing you with a chance to regroup and obtain a new perspective. Once the Adrenalin and Cortisol (AKA ‘the Stress Hormone’) in your system subside, more balanced thinking can emerge. A mini vacation can be as short as ten minutes. For example, dropping everything and taking a little walk, or taking a bath (not at work!), making a phone call to someone fun, or plunging into a good book. Basically, anything that will open up a different neuron path in your brain.

So what will you put on the menu today, will it be Velcro, or a healthy dose of Teflon?

The True (Canadian) Story about Abrasive Leadership

November 5, 2012

Somewhere along your professional path, you’ve encountered an abrasive leader (or were aware of one). In fact, your organization already has (or will have) abrasive leaders in its midst. As such, you’ve already observed the impact that a harsh interpersonal style inevitably has on the workplace.

But alas, as you know all too well, it is very hard to make the case for investing the resources and funds necessary to help eliminate the excessively harsh behaviour.

I’m thrilled to share with you that as of last week, we have lots of information about abrasive leadership in Canada! My sincere hope is that this information will help you make the internal business case for (finally?) addressing the abrasive behaviour in a new, and hopefully more successful way.

The Canadian HR Reporter Magazine just published the results of a survey I developed, focused on Abrasive Leadership in Canada. The survey captured everything from common abrasive behaviours, through attempted solutions, organizational factors that contribute to the problem, impact on organizational indicators – and dollar amounts associated with both the behaviour and any attempted solution.

Two hundred and fifty-seven people participated in the survey. It was not a scientific sample, however respondents represent all sectors, from across Canada.

As you know, I like to keep these blog entries short. So I’m attaching links to the information ((Hint: prepare to hear about abrasive leaders trapped in their own fallibility, fearful staff, senior leaders who turn a blind eye, organizations who lack effective mechanisms to prevent or deal with the problem, and frustrated HR professionals.). Click here for my analysis of the data and here for the full report which contains the raw data for the closed-ended questions. (For confidentiality reasons, we cannot share the survey’s numerous, and very enlightening, open comments).

I’d love to hear your comments and insights on this.

In the meantime, if you have a specific abrasive leader that you’re concerned about, check out our REAL™ Program for Abrasive Leaders or fill out our free proprietary Abrasive Leader Risk Assessment.

 

Need help with challenges in your organization? Don’t hesitate to contact us. 

Made-to-Last Relationships

September 13, 2012

 

What is the common denominator between Bill Clinton, Tony Soprano and Kermit the Frog?

They all excelled at creating strong relationships with key stakeholders. Clinton got people to donate in excess of 70 billion(!) dollars to his do-good Clinton Global Initiative. Soprano had people sacrificing their life for him. And the oh-so-green Kermit? he maintained his loyal following even after his voice changed due to the death of his creator, Jim Henson.

Your professional success rises or falls based on your ability to create made-to-last relationships with your key stakeholders (customers, funders, regulators, Boards, bosses, colleagues…).

Here are four common-sense things you might want to practice:

1.  Put yourself in their shoes. Before responding or taking action on any mater related to a stakeholder, ask yourself how you would perceive the issue if you were in their shoes. Really try and dive into their perspective, needs, motivations and interests. This is especially crucial if you’re dealing with a ‘sticky situation’ that could get out of hand. With this insight in hand, any action you take is likely to lead to a win-win.

2.  Become more Teflon-like. If the other party said or did something that is upsetting to you, don’t take it to heart. Rather than letting things ‘get to you’ as if you were covered with Velcro, let them slide off you, as if you were covered with Teflon. Be more light-hearted and forgiving. Not only will the relationship be a better one, your blood pressure will thank you too.

3.  Practice humility.  The truth is that you have lots to learn from the people with whom you interact.  Yes, you bring to the table your unique strengths and insights and experience, but (surprise!), the other person has equally valuable strengths, experiences and insights. If you remain open to hearing about those and learning through every interaction, the other person will invariably sense your attitude and will respond accordingly. And as your experience had probably already taught you, the relationship will benefit profoundly from this.

4.  Work on your RHB designation. Visit the following link to learn more about this newly-created, must-have professional designation that will help you solidify those made-to-last stakeholder relationship –  http://bit.ly/LmsQjC

A Really Good Apple

August 27, 2012

 

When was the last time that you experienced exceptional customer service?

And by the way, when was the last time that you or your people provided such service?

The people at the Apple store at Yorkdale Mall in Toronto have been gifting me with this type of service over the past few weeks.

It all began with me sentencing my PC to its early death by spilling water right onto it. And so I decided to make the leap into the Mac system.

Which led me to the aforementioned Apple Store, where I became a “business customer”.

At this crowded, bursting-at-the-seams store where the temperature can sometimes be piping hot,  I experienced excellence at absolutely every touch point. And a palpable commitment to resolving anything that could stand in the way of me using the product to its full potential, regardless of how much time, effort or people-power it took. I benefitted from total collaboration and seamless flow across functions between the many professionals who have served me.  All supplemented by superb expertise on all matters, never-ending patience, intimate familiarity with my (numerous) challenges and an enthusiastic approach to receiving my novice’s feedback on the ways in which the software could be improved.

So why, you may be asking, am I telling you all this?

Because the loyalty and gratitude I’ve been feeling is yet another demonstration why customer service really does matter. And my Apple Store experience demonstrates that the following are crucial ingredients for success:

1. Values. To provide this level of excellence in customer service, each and every employee needs to be clear on the organization’s values and what the company really stands for.

2. Latitude. When staff are free to use their judgement and make individual decisions that benefit the customer, good things start happening.

3. A great product or service. Without this, success is short lived.

4. Civility. Staff can work in such seamless collaboration only when civility is embedded into the work unit’s culture. But when incivility replaces civility, micro-aggression acts begin to permeate the culture, leading to inevitable disruption to teamwork and service.

So when it comes to providing exceptional customer service, what is the secret to YOUR success (or lack thereof)?

P.S. A special thank you to the Apple store’s competent-beyond-belief (and fun!) June, and to the ever-supportive, ever-present Doug.

 

We’re here to help, anytime.

“Why Do I Suddenly Have a ‘Problem’ After All These Years?”

July 5, 2012

Dear leaders, sometimes you’ve just gotta face the music.

Recently, a senior leader emailed me to ask how to handle employees’ reactions in situations where management has begun to take decisive action to address longstanding problem behaviours by these very employees.  Her concern was that such employees (often with the union’s support) express upset and outrage, and put forth the question: “Why do I suddenly have a ‘problem’ after all these years?”. (In this specific case, the problem is that the employees in question have for years been intimidating others and creating a poisoned work environment).

Well, here’s the essence of my response to that leader:

“From the employee’s perspective, this is a totally legitimate question. After all, management did nothing all these years and is suddenly changing the long-standing rules of the game without warning!

So here’s the equally legitimate managerial response: ‘You’re absolutely right, we should have taken action years ago and we didn’t. We take full responsibility for our omission. And now it is time that we do what we should have done long ago, because we are more fully aware of our responsibility both moral and legal to provide for all your colleagues a safe environment where they can perform at their best, free of fear and worry’.

In short, own up to your contribution to the problematic situation before demanding others to take ownership of their own behaviour. That’s called ‘being fair’.

And by the way, if you want to practice fair and just management, then well before you change the rules of the game, you ought to communicate clearly to everyone that from now on the expectations will be different, as will employee accountabilities, as will management actions. Only then do you proceed to act. “

That’s the gist of my response to this leader pertaining to her particular challenge. Needless to say, this approach applies not only in cases of ‘respect issues’. It applies everywhere where you as a manager decide to hold people accountable for behaviours that you tolerated for years (and shouldn’t have).

And that’s my two cents!

 

Don’t hesitate to get in touch for any need or exploration with which we might assist you.

Reflections from Copenhagen Workplace Bullying Conference

June 22, 2012

 

Almost thirty years since Scandinavian researchers began studying the phenomenon of psychological abuse in the workplace, the field is in flux. As I return from The 8th International Conference on Workplace Bullying in Copenhagen, Denmark (what a gorgeous city!), it appears that the research community across the globe is struggling with very fundamental questions. Following are a few of highlights of these questions, ‘lifted’ from an article I wrote for the Canadian HR Reporter magazine, to be published shortly:

  • What is bullying, anyway? Currently, there’s no consensus regarding the exact meaning of this term. All experts agree that bullying is characterized by a repeated pattern of behaviour that undermines a person’s credibility, social standing or work performance. However, beyond that, definitions and measuring methods vary greatly. Does bullying have to be intentional? Contrary to widespread misconception, most experts agree that bullying does not require proof of intention by the perpetrator. In reality, bullying has to be intentional only if the jurisdiction in which your business operates defines it as such.
  • What is the true prevalence of workplace bullying? Well, the answer depends on the type of questions you pose. Studies that employ a strict definition of bullying point to prevalence as low as 3%, whereas studies that use broader definitions demonstrate a prevalence as high as 69% (yes, you read correctly!).
  • Bullying has many faces. For many years, bullying was perceived to comprise of a person or a group targeting another person. However now, with more information coming in from practitioners who are working with real people solving real problems, it’s becoming clearer that often what is referred to as bullying is really an escalated conflict between two people, with one person gaining the strategic advantage of being recognized as ‘the target’ by filing a bullying complaint.
  • We lack quality data about the bully. Our current understanding of workplace bullying is based almost exclusively on the experiences of targets. Researchers have not studied the inner world of perpetrators, who are often perceived as evil predators. And yet, as someone specializing in coaching abrasive leaders, I know that once you engage with these so-called bullies, it becomes clear that they do not consciously set out to harm others, nor are they aware of the impact of their behaviour. Once they become aware of the negative impact of their conduct and obtain new skills, they tend to make significant changes.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments about the above, I’d love to discuss the conference with you!

Copenhagen Conference Seeking Your Input

May 30, 2012

What are your burning questions regarding workplace bullying? What ideas or thoughts do you have on the topic?

I would hugely appreciate your input as I prepare to attend the 8th International Conference on Workplace Bullying & Harassment in Copenhagen, Denmark in early June.

During this important conference, I will be dialoguing with thought leaders and researchers who have their hand on the pulse of latest findings and future challenges of workplace bullying. I hope to bring a ‘Canadian voice’ in both informal and formal conversations. And I would love to bring your perspective along with me.

Please send me your questions, thoughts and ideas. I look forward to hearing from you, and to reporting back!

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